As a computer programmer I have wrapped my brain around a certain logic…if (this) then (this). But here’s the thing, real life doesn’t work that way. There is no logic.
Maybe that’s why we invented computers to begin with, to make something work the way we want (read ‘expect’) things to work. I remember some wise people telling me once that the things that make us unhappy are our ‘expectations’. I’m thinking it’s time to write all my ‘expectations’ down on little slips of paper then crumple them up and throw then in a garbage can, because that’s really about how valuable they are.
Life, people, love…it’s all just a big roulette wheel, a roller coaster, a ride you take with eyes closed, gasping for air, and hoping you come out wanting to go again instead of throwing up. If (this), then (this). Nope. That’s not human, it’s silicon and solder, not flesh and blood. We are not computers; we are not robots. We build those and even they can break, just like our hearts.
I’ll just take the “E” ticket please… and maybe a Dramamine. The ride isn’t over until we die and I’m still breathing, laughing and sometimes, yeah, even getting sick, but still strapped in, watching as the next big hill looms in front of me.
So, I went to a new gym yesterday. I haven’t been very physically active in a long while, in fact, probably not since my brother died. It seems everything came to a screaming halt that day. But it’s time, past time, for me to get the lard out and off, so I decided to give this new place a try. Well, my friends, I won’t be going back there. The look on the staff member’s face when he met me should have been enough to have me haul my arse out immediately, but I was too stubborn to give in to it. The look in his eyes said, “Geez, old lady, what the h*ll are YOU doing here?” and “Oh boy, I am wasting my time with this one.” and “Shouldn’t you be at CURVES or something”. What’s more, that look and attitude stayed with him the whole time, despite the lamely offered “Awesome job”, when I finished my ‘assessment’. Now I know I didn’t do an awesome job, and I know that I am 47 years old and have 30-40 pounds to lose. Of course I don’t look good next to the buff youngsters competing and congratulating all around me. But I am determined and I finished the job I was there to do. I did sit ups and burpees and squats and pushups, all badly, and all with sweat streaming and vocal cords straining, just to see disdain in his eyes as he limply offered me a free week. But I won’t be back. Not because I did so poorly, and not because I am old, and not because I am flabby. I won’t be back because it was so obvious that I didn’t fit in and that poor guy is a really bad actor and he made me feel like sh*t (even though I don’t think he really meant to). SO!, I am going to do some yoga today to stretch and heal these sore muscles, and as soon as they feel better, I will hie myself back to the Dojo, where I know they respect me, wrinkles, flab and all. I will sweat and pant for a few weeks, and then I will go back to kicking and screaming. I belong there, I love it, and bruises be damned. The reason I went to that gym was vanity anyway. I didn’t really want to be black and blue all the time from sparring, at my age people look at you really funny for that. I get a lot of funny looks and flack every time I tell someone I do Tae Kwon Do, again like it’s an alien activity for all but young men. But I will be much better served doing something I love and feel good about. I may be old, but I am not too old to kick butt, and who knows, maybe in a few months I will go back to that gym, do another ‘assessment’ and wipe the attitude out of those young bucks’ eyes. I am a green belt, I am persistent, I am strong and I DO love a challenge after all.