The missing quarter round in the living room, the unwashed dishes, unironed laundry, the tires that need replacing…these things are yet unchanged. But after years of always being unfinished, always being late, or worse, forgetting about things entirely, and absolutely loathing the same characteristics when I found them in others, I decided that I was no longer willing to be my own worst enemy.
A few weeks ago, my 13 yr. old daughter was diagnosed with ADD/Inattentive type. Of course as part of the process, I had to fill out a million questionnaires describing her behavior. What I saw was my own face in the mirror.
At first, I battled with my ex-husband about having her evaluated at all! I insisted it was just because she was like her mother. “There’s nothing wrong with her, she’s just like me,” I argued, insulted that he would insinuate by proxy that I was defective as well. But after caving to his demands, I discovered he was right. WE are not normal. WE have challenges that normal does not face. And those challenges are with our own selves.
All my life I have had to start ‘from behind’. Not because of anybody else’s interference, because of my own. The interference that comes from my head.
It takes more than one form. Sometimes it’s the voice that says I can do it later, sometimes it’s the fact that too much stimuli like voices or music creates a cacaphony in my head that makes it impossible for me to distinguish one from another. It makes me slow to understand directions, reluctant to start or finish projects, and flit from one thing to another. I am nearly impossible to live with, except for those who truly love me and accept my often offered explanations of “my RAM is full!”
This week, both me and my daughter started on meds. It’s been interesting to watch our changes. Hers have been much more dramatic, but I can see little changes in myself as well.
It’s easier to get up in the morning, I seem to be more mindful when I’m driving, I’m actually tackling a few really annoying projects even though I REALLY don’t want to, and I have finished more than a few this week. I’m not flying from one task to another, dropping memories like lost buttons, unable to find and reattach them to my life. I seem more ‘mindful’ in general, more able to keep things contained in my brainpan.
It’s a journey. If I can just keep floating a little while longer, maybe I’ll get back to you.